Modern Olympics

As the 2010 Olympics at Vancouver wind down, I've become less interested in watching a lot of these events. I really dislike all the figure skating events and news. I wish I could watch more curling without commercial interuption so I could see how the teams begin their ends so I can gain more insight into the strategy and skill needed.

In order to increase my attention to winter olympics, I have come up with four new events for the winter Olympics.

Downhill Wipeout
The most entertaining part of watching downhill skiing is the crashes. In this event, the skier just gets into the tuck position and races down the mountain with more jumps and bumps on the course for more opportunity of wipeouts. Any skier who crosses the finish line and has the most wipeouts wins. If a tie, the skier with the fastest time is the winner.

Grenade Launcher Biathlon
The biathlon needs a modern update. The cross country skiers carry a grenade launcher and have to hit targets while skiing. The targets include tanks, Osama bin Laden, bugs bunny, the energizer bunny, and a decaying beached whale. If a target is not blown up, the skier must try again. Each skier is given enough grenades for each target. When a skier misses a target, he will eventually have to "borrower" one from a competitor in order to complete the race. The winner is the one who blew up all targets and crossed the finish line first. (Any left over whale is sent to Japan for research.)

Ski Jumping Whack-A-Mole
Timing is everything in this event. At the ski jump landing there are moles popping out of the ground just like the whack-a-mole game. More moles are popping out further down the hill, so ski jumpers who can jump far have a better chance of whacking the most moles. The ski jumper who whacks the most moles when he/she lands is the winner. (Wipeouts are ok after whacking the moles.)

Figure Skating Curling
While the figure skaters figure skate, curlers are curling banana peels on the ice. When a figure skater slips on a banana peel, the curler who curled that banana peel gets a point. The figure skater and banana peels are removed off the ice and the next round starts with a new figure skater. After 10 rounds, the curler with the most points wins. If a tie, an extra round is played.


Look for these events in the next winter Olympics. If not, bribe your local Olympic Committee member until the events are included.